Gentle Clowns to face off against unintentionally satirical pamphlet waivers Saturday

first_imgIt was lopsided from the very beginning.Who would have thought, that in a battle between The Badger Herald — the independent bastion of freedom and journalism in Madison — and the dAiLy CaRdInAl, the University of Wisconsin State Run Media, it would all come down to something as simple as the Weather app?For those unfamiliar, the Weather app is able to use groundbreaking technology — synthesizing the power of the cellphone, the internet and years of meteorological data — to predict the weather. It was the Gentle Clowns’ familiarity with this apparatus and an unconfirmed hot tip from Al Roker, that allowed the Herald to demand that the softball game be postponed from last weekend.This seemed to not sit well with the staff over in the cramped, poorly lit (one would assume that an inability to properly read content is the only explanation for their weekly bowel-movement-in-newspaper-form disservice to the university) office down in the ugly undercarriage of Vilas.They bleated and crowed. They warbled out something about a “brouhaha,” which incidentally was the closest thing to a pertinent multisyllabic phrase uttered by the birds in years.After all, who wouldn’t want to play softball in the freezing rain? The Gentle Clowns, that’s who.Regardless of scheduling concerns, it’s always Hamm’s O’Clock when the Herald is on the case and our four-person staff will have polished off the keg before the Cardinal can say “free rent.”Now, for the game itself.The Herald is marching out the finest lineup this side of Bascom Hill has ever seen.First, upper management. With this three-headed monster of editorship, who is best described as “literate,” at the helm — there is no chance we will lose.Alice Vagun is the head honcho responsible for outdrinking whatever the largest pigeon at the Cardinal is called. We have faith. Fun fact about Alice is that she was the first person to rhyme “Insane” with “Batman”, and Childish Gambino owes her royalties every time “Freaks and Geeks” plays.Managing Editor Yusra Murad was recently awarded “Roast of the year”, thanks to her performance in the DM’s of the Dirty Bird last week.Managing Editor Teymour Tomsyck is as tall as he is apathetic, need we say more?Now, for the infantry:Batting first will be second baseman Lucas “I made a game-saving play in eighth-grade little league” Johnson.Rounding out the top third of the lineup will be outfielders Will “I’m currently writing this and uncomfortable” Stern and Danny “Has been the sports editor longer than he has been the sports editor” Farber.At cleanup will be third baseman Molly “Can’t get Kevin Jonas to leave her alone” Liebergall followed by shortstop Peyton “I will shove this oxford comma so far up your-” David.Batting sixth is the power hitting Henry “There is no ethical consumption in baseball” Solotaroff-Webber.At DH and up seventh will be Emily “Narrowly avoided a pyramid scheme” Hamer followed by Outfielder Riley “There will Pinot mercy” Steinbrenner.Next will be the catcher Ben “Knows almost every rule of baseball from a high school class” Sefarbi.The lineup will end with our best-underhanded pitcher Jeremy “God’s plan” Frodl.Not to mention our secret weapons which will be revealed when the time comes. We wish the Dirty Birds luck, or rather, better luck than they had last week at the WNA Awards.last_img read more

Football: Badgers may be without Hornibrook this Saturday against Wildcats

first_imgThe University of Wisconsin Football Team (5-2, 3-1 Big Ten) look to unseat the Big Ten West leader Northwestern Wildcats (4-3, 4-1 Big Ten) Saturday morning.News broke Thursday afternoon that Wisconsin quarterback Alex Hornibrook was questionable for this weekend’s tilt with a concussion, and that the Badgers were looking to quarterback Jack Coan as the replacement if needed. Hornibrook is coming off a string of inconsistent games, and many have been calling for Coan to replace him.The possibility that Hornibrook will be sidelined presents an interesting chance for Coan to prove himself or be exposed as ill-prepared for the limelight.Coan saw limited playtime for the Badgers last year, but has yet to see action this year and is likely to be redshirted.Men’s hockey: Wisconsin hockey looks to continue impressive start against Michigan TechThe University of Wisconsin men’s hockey team (3-1-0, 0-0-0 Big Ten) will look to continue their impressive play to start Read…Last season Coan played in six games, going 5-5 for 36 yards.Northwestern sits atop the Big Ten West Standings, taking the place that has been well-reserved for the Badgers over the last few years, and the wrinkle of an untested Coan starting for the Badgers could make this an unexpectedly tough game.Despite the Wildcats’ place in the standings, they have lost to both Duke and Akron — arguably worse losses than Wisconsin’s to BYU.Where the Badgers are seemingly uncertain, Northwestern is decidedly strong in the quarterback position.Men’s basketball: Approaching opener, Badgers look to put last season’s struggles in rear view mirrorLast season didn’t go as planned for the University of Wisconsin men’s basketball team, and that’s almost certainly an understatement. Read…Northwestern quarterback Clayton Thorson has been dynamite in seven games for the Wildcats. He’s averaging 272.14 yards per game, with nine touchdowns, seven interceptions and a 61.11 completion percentage.Thorson’s acumen should provide a great test for the Badger secondary, who played their best game of the season last week despite facing a litany of injuries.Wisconsin running back Jonathan Taylor claimed a casual 159 yards last week against Illinois, but failed to find the end zone even as the Badgers notched four total touchdowns.Against a Northwestern team who has had issues with consistency in their run defense, allowing a low of 90 yards against Akron earlier in the season but succumbing to a rough 231-yard attack versus Nebraska.As is the rule with every team the Badgers have faced this year, past statistics only go so far with in telling how they will handle Taylor, who is a generational talent and the leading rusher in the NCAA.last_img read more